1/4/2011

Yeah.. whole lot more of this.

2011 hobbies.

The crochet/knitting book Tony got me for Christmas/our 8 month ‘anniversary’.. and the gorgeous bookmark that my mama got me for Christmas!

2011 has already pissed me off.

Suck it, new year.

This year..

365 photo! Not much else to say than that. My amazing fiancée and I spent a wonderful evening together with friends. In reflection, it seems as if there wasn’t much positive to 2010. In actuality, I was reminded time after time of the capacity of other people for generosity and compassion.. and the most notable highlight of all– I met the man that I intend to spend the rest of my life loving and taking care of. Although 2010 wasn’t the best year ever, few could hope to be as lucky as I was. Bumps in the road aside, I am so very confident that Tony and I will take 2011 by the horns and make it into what we need and want it to be.

Thank You to all of my friends and family for all of the love and support offered so freely to me.. I would never have made it without your kindnesses.

Happy new year! May we all be happy, safe, and content.

“I don’t dream about anyone, except myself..”– Morrissey

Ok, so that’s not true. Sometimes I also dream about finding out I have some really rich relatives somewhere. Or about having an all Dr Pepper soda fountain in my home.. Wait. Those things are still all about me. Oh well.

Dear readers, I know it has been a while since I’ve graced you with my presence. I mean, let’s face it.. Most of you are people that I talk to on a pretty regular basis anyhow but I like to pretend that my wit and writing skill attract multitudes of internet users to this blog every day. Can’t a girl have a pipe dream? While I am sure that all of you are sick and tired of hearing me whine, I give you my word that I will at least try to write it in an entertaining manner, so it’s not like you’ve heard it all before.

Things have been rough here in my new neck of the woods. I’ve always suffered from a pretty pessimistic and morose disposition, and things like that are mighty hard to overcome whenever you’ve also got external circumstances weighing down on you. I was fired from the part time job I acquired after only two months of working there. No one will ever know for sure, but word around the campfire seems to be that the owner of the establishment wasn’t too fond of my tattoos and piercings. Which is pretty odd if you think about it, considering it was a call center that had no real dress code to speak of. I’ve never had a problem covering up my piercings or my tattoos. If that’s what’s required, I’ll do it. I can strike a happy medium between what society deems appropriate and what I choose to make myself look like. However, when there is no rule on the books about it.. Well. Suffice it to say, I was pretty steamed about it. I still am, truth be told. Not like I loved the job or anything. Quite the opposite, in fact, I hated it with a deep seated and burning passion. But it was a paycheck, and I am an adult, so I tolerated it.

Moving right along.

The job hunt since then has been unfruitful as of yet. I won’t lie, I’m pretty bitter about all of it. It seems as if odds are stacked against me left and right. And when you’re far away from home, and still working on building a support system, it’s difficult to pick yourself up and get back on the proverbial horse. And when you’re also stressing out over money and bills and.. Anyway. I’m sure you get the idea. WAIT. Did I mention my car won’t start? Yeah, there’s that also. Now you get the idea.

Slowly but surely, though, I am pulling myself back to my feet. More often than not I don’t even really want to. I’m tired of struggling, I’ve been at this unemployment thing for over a year now. It’s old, and I’m sick of it, and I am well aware of the fact that I could have it worse. But I don’t. I just have me, and my life, and all of this suck to deal with that feels like it’s not ever going to go away.

[Note: First person to leave a comment saying “No one ever said life was fair/easy/hard/fun/whatever” gets it the next time I see them. I’m 26 years old. You think I haven’t figured that part out yet? Doesn’t mean I can’t be angry about it!]

BUT I DIGRESS. I honestly didn’t come here to write out a big sob story. Just wanted to give a little status update. There is happier news, at least one piece of it: Tony and I are engaged. We’re aiming to get hitched sometime towards the end of next year, providing that I can find a job soon and we can start saving up. We’re 99.99999% positive that we’re going to be moving to Florida as well. We went for a week long vacation back in October and he fell in love with the place, just like I figured he probably would. Also my family didn’t hate him so that’s a plus.

I suppose I’m done rambling for the time being. It’s cold as I don’t know what here, and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that, but cold weather doesn’t mean that errands just run themselves you know. So, until next time, I give you this:

KOMODO DRAGON! (Taken at the aquarium here in Virginia Beach, over the summer.)

That is all. We now return you to your regularly scheduled internetting.

How I Learned to Live Without The Food Network.

Well. It’s been just about two and a half months since I made my trek to the great state of Virginia, leaving behind my family, friends, and cable television in Florida. As much as I may like to say that I’m not a big TV person, I’ve come to the realization that I really am.. Just not in the sense that most people are. There are a few shows that I follow religiously, like Glee, Metalocalypse, and True Blood. Shows that have an over-arching plot, that you have to watch in sequence otherwise you’ll be lost. Of course I enjoyed other things when I still had cable as well, like Law and Order: SVU, and Colbert Report, and the Daily Show. Things that do employ running jokes but that you don’t have to set a timer for every week in order to get any entertainment out of it.

One thing that I do have regular pangs of nostalgia over is the Food Network. Even when I wasn’t actively paying attention to the television, I normally had it tuned in to this channel. Don’t ask me why, I’ve just always been fascinated by cooking shows. Ever since I was a small child, and we didn’t have cable, and I was watching The Frugal Gourmet and Yan Can Cook. As I’ve written about my love of cooking before I’ll skip waxing philosophic over that for now, and just say that for as much as I watched (or at least listened to) it.. I really hated the Food Network. I think what I miss more than anything now is just having some sort of diverse background noise in the house, even if I’m just cleaning the kitchen or folding laundry. That can be achieved by playing a random DVD, though, or putting iTunes on shuffle.

For my birthday, I was gifted a copy of Anthony Bourdain’s latest offering, Medium Raw: A Blood Valentine to the World of Food and People Who Cook. My admiration for this man is not unknown amongst my friends, and I finished the book in something like two days. And although he used to host his own show on the Food Network, he makes no secrets of his feelings for the company now. Reading his feelings about it was like seeing the contents of my own brain somehow spelled out by someone I don’t even know.. Which goes a long way towards making me feel like less of an elitist asshole whenever it comes to all things culinary.

I am not a chef. I don’t know that I’m even a cook. Do I like to do it? Yes. Love it. Do I enjoy creating new dishes, and flavor combinations? Of course. Do I take great pride and pleasure in lovingly preparing meals for the people that I care about? There is no greater joy in the world for me. I don’t know if that’s what makes someone a cook, so I’ll just stick to calling myself a foodie. What I will say, however, is that I am fairly sure that the Food Network is slowly, bit by bit, destroying the entire process of cooking for America. There was a time when they hosted innovative shows that simultaneously opened up the world of cooking for the home chef, as well as made it accessible to people who previously thought they couldn’t cook. It made it all look so fun, and told you that you didn’t have to spend thousands of dollars and years upon years in school to look like a culinary rock star to your friends and family. It’s not that they don’t host some shows like this still.. Good Eats, for instance, appeals to both the foodie and the science nerd. The Barefoot Contessa, previously a White House advisor, makes 3 course gourmet meals look as easy as throwing a pizza in the oven. These are just to name a couple.

It disappoints me, though, that the Food Network has in recent years succumbed to the reality television craze. It can be argued that Mr. Bourdain’s series, No Reservations, counts as a reality show. It’s a camera, following him around in his travels, as he narrates his experiences. But there’s no competition there. There are no silly challenges, no ridiculous elimination rounds. It’s just him, talking about what he loves most– Food. Isn’t that enough any more? Now we have Bobby Flay (who, although I do not like him, is actually a decent chef) carrying his Throwdown challenges all over the US.. Exciting for the guests, I’m sure, but still too campy for my tastes. Chris Cosentino (a personal favorite of mine) and Aaron Sanchez are running around the streets of random cities, stuffing food into their mouths too fast to chew, much less taste, in order to beat out the home team in a series of ridiculous games. What’s the point of food if you’re not going to take the time to enjoy it?

And then, we have Sandra Lee and Rachael Ray. Meant to appeal to the busy working mom portion of the population, their shows are basically nothing but a barrage of shortcuts to making “gourmet” meals in minutes. Now. For as much as she annoys the ever loving daylights out of me, I will say that Rachael at least keeps the pre-made ingredients to a minimum, usually only taking shortcuts where something time intensive like baking is involved. I can live with this. To her credit, she still encourages her viewers to tinker around with her recipes and re-invent them, as well as to create new and unusual flavor combinations. Sandra Lee, however, is of the idea that dumping a packet of ranch seasoning into a bowl of ground beef constitutes gourmet meatloaf. Not only is that unhealthy (have you ever heard her stop to muse upon how much sodium is in all those spice/flavor mixes and canned soups she uses?), but it’s boring. I don’t feel like it encourages people to get dangerous, so to speak, in the kitchen. It’s more about ease and shortcuts than it is about creating something stunning for the people you love.

In a medium that I consider just as much an art form as painting or photography, things like this cannot be given up on. Short cuts aren’t evil, but when they take the place of creativity, of using the food as your canvas to create something fresh and exciting, well.. I’m afraid you’ve defeated the purpose, as far as I’m concerned. I feel like Mr. Bourdain would agree with me on this. Of course, you’d have to read the book to get his exact sentiments on it, but I’m pretty sure we are of like mind whenever it comes to this subject.

Food is one of those delicate and wonderful areas where science and art come together. An area that people appreciate less and less as we resort to fast food, frozen pizzas and casseroles, and take out from the Thai place down the street. It can be scary, yes, but just remember that the food is more frightened of you than you are of it! Throw out your cookbooks (unless you’re baking, of course), get rid of your pre-made chili seasonings and ranch mixes, and just go grab a bunch of stuff that sounds like it would be great together. Chances are you will not be disappointed and if you are, well.. You know better next time.

Just a quick update..

.. Although I think everyone who reads this already knows anyhow.

I’ve been in Virginia for right at two weeks now. Having.. eh. Some ‘luck’ with the job search. Not as much as I’d hoped, and I’m trying to stay optimistic, but it’s difficult. Especially since I’m very, very worried about it. I’m kind of starting to feel like I’m doing something wrong, really. A lot of the places I’ve applied/sent resumes to have ended up being staffing agencies, which is all fine and good, but I’ve had NO luck with those in the past.

Oh well. We’ll see, I suppose. I’d like to be able to say that there’s nowhere to go but up from here, but unfortunately, I think there’s one more rung I’d have to fall past in order for that to be true.

I’m just choosing not to think about it.

Sick sad world.

South African doctor invents female condoms with ‘teeth’ to fight rape

I try not to get too caught up with reading the news, as it’s generally all depressing. This is horribly escapist of me, I know. But, oh well.

I’d heard about this particular little bit several months ago, while the product was still in development. I’ve always been interested in things like this. While I was still in nursing school, my plans were to either become a psychiatric nurse, or to go to work for Planned Parenthood or a similar organization. This doesn’t quite fall under the heading of “family planning” or sex education but is related in a lot of ways, so I’ve tried to keep up with the news regarding this particular item.

(You’ll likely have to read the article first before any of what I’m about to say makes any sort of sense but, it’s a short one.)

Now, even more so than I try not to get caught up with reading the news, I try not to vocalize my opinion of it all that often. Not that I don’t have opinions, everyone does, obviously. But it seems as if most people are very unwilling to agree to disagree on a lot of things. Not that I blame people, necessarily, because things like politics are very important to a lot of folks and when you feel that something is affecting your life in a very large way, it’s hard to back down from your viewpoint, or at the very least to say “You know what, you might be right” to someone who is arguing the opposite side of the fence.

I’m sure that this will be no different but as it so happens, this is something that I feel very strongly about. So here goes.

I think that this is an excellent idea for a number of reasons. In West Africa– the area known as the Congo, which as been dubbed by some as the “rape capital of the world– women are brutally raped, often by several soldiers at a time. They are often brutalized in other ways, both physically and mentally. There are stories of women being given the option to either be raped, or watch their entire families being killed. (To boot, there are stories of several cases where, after a woman has been raped, her husband leaves her because she has brought shame to her family by “engaging” in this act.) Women have been raped with objects such as weapons, which can sometimes be discharged while inside of them, obviously leaving them severely injured and potentially incapacitated for life, if it does not kill them.

So, something like a rape condom would seem like a god-send. Although the article does not specifically point out the implications in situations like this, I have no doubt it will make its way into use in this manner before long. However, as the article DOES mention, there are obvious concerns that if a rapist encounters a woman who has this anti-rape condom in place, he will simply beat or kill her instead. To a man who has no problem gang-raping a woman and then killing her entire family, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he’d have no issues with simply killing the user of this product.

I also do not think that this item is going to deter anyone from raping, at least initially. After he has experienced it, potentially. If it so happens that he is prosecuted and jailed for his actions then likely he will think twice before raping again. I just feel like at first, at least, it is not going to be an effective deterrent to any man who is bent on violating a woman in this fashion.

And lastly. This may be the controversial part of my opinion, but. I’m interested to see where this goes as far as protocol for when a man comes into a hospital to have an anti-rape condom removed. Does that mean immediate arrest and incarceration? Unfortunately, there are some women out there who use rape accusation as a weapon against men, or as a means of exacting revenge for some perceived wrong. This makes it difficult for men in this situation to make a case for themselves. Hopefully there will be something equating to due process but even then, just like it is already, it will be difficult to prove that the woman presented herself as a willing partner in the activities, only so that she could later say she had been raped.

So, yeah, anyhow. These are just a few of my thoughts on this subject. By and large I think that it’s a huge step in the right direction, on many fronts, but as it is with any development, there are drawbacks and kinks to work out. Like I said, I’m really interested to see where this goes, and potentially what new legislation it creates regarding its use.

a song.

I’m not really a huge Paramore fan, but no matter what band or genre, I believe that a good song is a good song.. And that if it speaks to you, it just does, regardless of where it’s coming from.

when i was younger i saw my daddy
cry and curse at the wind
he broke his own heart and
i watched as he tried to re-assemble it
and my mama swore she would
never let herself forget
and that was the day that i promised
i’d never sing of love if does not exist
but darling..

you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception

maybe i know somewhere deep in
my soul that love never lasts
and we’ve got to find other ways
to make it alone or keep a straight face
and i’ve always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance
and up until now i swore to myself
that i’m content with loneliness
’cause none of it was ever worth the risk

but you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception

i’ve got a tight grip on reality
but i can’t let go of what’s part of me here
i know you’re leaving in the morning, when you wake up
leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

you are the only exception

and i’m on my way to believing
and i’m on my way to believing..

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.”-Marcus Aurelius

After so long of my life feeling like it had stalled out in the middle of nowhere, with not a crossroads or off-ramp in sight, things have most certainly picked up within the last two weeks. I couldn’t be more thrilled about it, but I will say that this is one emotional roller coaster that I am ready to get off of. Being this excited and filled with this much anticipation is exhausting. I’m ready to stop dreaming my dreams, and begin living them.

I should be– and am– thankful that I’ve even been given this opportunity. I have to give myself a little credit for taking the bull by the horns, though. I am probably one of the most indecisive people I know for the most part, and I know I’ve been over that before. For as confident as I am about some things in others I am plagued by doubt, insecurities, and panic. I am so proud of myself and utterly amazed at the fact that right now, in the face of the most drastic and life-changing decision I’ve ever made, I am experiencing all of those things perfectly within reason. (I’d be telling a lie if I said I was completely worry free. Of course I’m not. I’m only human, no matter how superhuman I strive to be.)

So what the hell am I talking about, anyhow? What’s this big important decision? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I’m moving! This has all been such a whirlwind, and almost started out as sort of a joke, I think, between my amazing boyfriend and I. But I grow increasingly dissatisfied with my life here in Florida, and the idea of getting away and starting all over again.. I mean REALLY starting over, throwing myself into the world and forcing myself to adapt.. was looking more and more attractive. I’m lucky to have someone in my life at this point who is willing to help me out in any way he possibly can with this.. I mean, it affects his life too, but he and his friends are making some sacrifices to make this happen for both of us so consider this a public “Thanks dude, you rock” to those boys.

I’ve actually gotten a lot of support from everyone I’ve talked to about this. I know my friends will be sad to see me go, but it’s not like I won’t be back. My family is still in Florida and like I’ve said a million times, I could never stay away for forever.

Although I am indecisive, I’m also pretty headstrong. When I’ve got my mind set on something, I make it happen. I also have a short attention span and so if it looks like I can’t make it happen quickly.. I sometimes tend to abandon things. I didn’t want that to happen this time, obviously, so.. I’m doing what needs to be done to make this happen. And it IS happening, which is something I’m still having difficulty wrapping my head around because for the most part, it has all fallen so easily into place. It feels like a trick. A dirty, sneaky trick.

I am striving to remain upbeat, however, and am so incredibly fortunate to have someone to look to for help with that. Tony, your continued optimism and support in this entire situation have not yet failed to both astound and inspire me. Please be patient with me as my defeatist habits die a slow, horrible, painful death. ;)

And so, on July 18th, 2010 I will be leaving the state of Florida for the last time for a while. I’m quite positive there will be some tears shed, but only for sentimentality’s sake. I’m not nearly as freaked out by all of this as I think I should be, and I’m taking that as a good sign. I’m determined to make a go of this in the best possible way that I can.. and I am pretty confident that we can make it work.

And it is going to be nothing short of absolutely extraordinary.

<3